“Just stop talking!” I screamed internally as one more piece of unasked for advice was lobbed at me. I was having that kind of day, when my rational mind wasn’t in charge. Usually I communicate at least adequately, so I spent time thinking about it. What I’d experienced felt parental and controlling prompting my inner fourteen-year-old to fly out. This is the same girl who was emotional and tongue tied. So, it’s no surprise my much older self had gone back there—frankly, it’s a miracle I didn’t break out in acne at the same time.
Given I’m prone to hand out a lot of advice, it seemed there were lessons for me, too. Here’s what I came up with:
Ask whether help is desired and if the answer is no, shut up.
Don’t assume the other person hasn’t thought of or tried to resolve their situation. Ask questions about what they already know or have done—then shut up and listen.
If there’s a defensive response either shut up and drop it or ask about their experience. Don’t keep shoveling advice.
Read the room. If you’ve gotten push back more than once, shut up. Clearly, this isn’t the time.
You might notice a theme—ask, shut up, listen. There’s an old saw, “You can’t listen through an open mouth.” This means be quiet, look at them, hear their words, and make meaning out of them. It is not becoming mentally absent to strategize your next attempt at giving advice.
As a coach and teacher, I’m pretty good at following best practices. In these roles, it does occur to me to ask, “What have you already tried and how did that work?” or “What’s your previous experience?” or “What do you already know?” I use open-ended questions so they can elaborate, not just reply with a yes or a no.
However, I’m worse at applying those skills with the ones closest to me. It’s easy to dole out guidance, especially when we’ve witnessed a good chunk of each other’s lives. We’re woefully off base if we believe we know the whole story. Family members are probably the worst at overestimating the accuracy of their knowledge and counsel. No one but you can possibly know everything you’ve ever thought or been through. You are the expert on you, not anyone else.
If we do stray into insulting or patronizing advice with friends and family, they usually let us know—sometimes loudly. If it’s been a positive relationship, the offended party is usually open to an apology, allows ties to repair, and continues to love us. Sadly, that’s not always the case and intimate relationships have been known to become irreparably damaged.
When there’s a power differential, particularly in work settings, who is allowed to say what to whom is often a matter of where you sit in the hierarchy. Those on the top feel free to provide counsel, a privilege not accorded to those who report to them.
Being hired for your expertise in one field does not open the door to give advice on all fronts. When you’re in business, clients trust your credentials in the area for which you trained or received certifications, not more. Remember why you were sought out for guidance to begin with. Even in your area of expertise, you can coach through questions rather than lecturing.
Thoughtless words can imply both judgment and advice. A pitfall with acquaintances is presuming a familiarity that isn’t there. Advice giving is not only unwelcome, it’s intrusive and can lead to avoidance. I can’t count the number of acquaintances who used to ask, “Have you ever thought about moving your mother closer?” “Why no, what an amazing idea!” I wanted to respond with a slap to my forehead. Of course, these well-meaning folks didn’t know the situation but the backstory was none of their business. If they needed to say anything, an acceptable comment could’ve been, “I’m sure there are reasons your mother doesn’t live here,” to which the answer would’ve been, “Yes, there are.” Any follow-up questions would’ve been met with, “It’s complicated,” a polite way of saying, “I don’t want to talk about this with you.”
Oh, that we were perfect in our communication, never offend, and continuously exhibit graciousness in all situations! Yeah, well that’s not going to happen. As for me, I intend to be more aware when I find myself ready to launch into unsolicited advice. I hope to take a beat, remember to ask, shut up, and listen.
The hard part is not shoving advice down the throat of younger family members when I can clearly see what they're doing wrong. (Been there. Did that. Burned the t-shirt in shame.) I need to remember that everyone is entitled to make their own mistakes.