The client wanted to reduce my fee, but a contract was a contract, I vigorously argued. The appropriate time for negotiation was before the bid was accepted so why were we doing this after the fact? Then it became crystal clear that if I wanted to do business with them, I would need to bend. It was a big chunk of work, so I met his demand but resented it. When I saw my fee-reducing customer again, he was fine, perfectly pleasant in fact. Of course, he’d gotten his way. It was me who needed to let go of the baggage.
Do you find that a distasteful conversation leads you to stew about it and dread the next encounter? Even if the parties agree that the interaction was unpleasant, they don’t necessarily attach the same importance or experience equal emotional intensity. After that meeting, I’d been quite distressed and wondered if working solo with few distractions was skewing my perspective. My corporate client had a million other things claiming his attention. Me, not so much. It’s possible the scenario I recalled quite vividly had become a faint memory for him moments after the fact. Meanwhile, I’d created emotional snapshots, labeled them, and stuck them in an album to ruminate over.
An emotional photo freezes the incident and feelings associated with it, yet our minds continue to pick away. Sometimes the passage of time dulls the hurt, but that’s not guaranteed—it can magnify. You’ve probably met people whose sole purpose in life appears to be complaining about the wrongs dealt to them. Their grievances become worse with each telling. Frankly, it’d be merciful if they had a degree of amnesia.
Regardless of our wishes, sticky emotions over unpleasant encounters can be persistent. If you have to retain the relationship, here are some pointers:
Your feelings are yours so own them. You can’t predict what importance or intensity the event had for another person based on your reaction. It might not have been a big deal to them. Or it may have grown in proportion, had no change, been diluted by other priorities—or forgotten altogether. Remember that emotions don’t remain static, even yours.
If you know you’ll cross paths again, avoidance is a poor long term strategy. Making a point of dodging someone or not attending events where they will be perpetuates your upset. And it exacerbates your anxiety about seeing them in the future. (Anyone have one of these soap operas going on in their family?) What you’ve conjured in your mind is an untested story. Instead of avoidance, show up and be open to the possibility of cordial relations.
Until you communicate with this person, you won’t be able to read their emotional tone. In-person is a better option than text or email which often leads to misinterpretation.
Stop mind-reading and predicting the future even if you assume you know how they’ll react based on previous experience.
Use your imagination to create a positive scenario instead of a negative one. In that frame of mind, you’re more likely to approach them with openness and plant seeds for good rapport going forward.
Allow the relationship to heal. It’s rare that a dust up between coworkers impacts only those two people. It’s similar to family rifts that involve everyone and create no end of drama.
If you do have an encounter that leaves a bad taste, remember that the incident doesn’t have to remain a static photo in your mind. You can allow your feelings to morph and lessen in intensity. When in doubt, choose to calm down rather than adding fuel to discord. You’ll feel a whole lot better and your relationships will benefit.
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